A Family Affair
by piper maru duchovny
Summary: Her mother is dating her former boss that she kissed that one time and her best friend thinks that the whole situation is hysterical. Post-series. Scully/Mulder Maggie/Skinner, hints of John/Monica and lots of Monica/Scully friendship.


**It has been ages since I've written anything X-Files related but with the Revival just around the corner I couldn't wait to dive back in. That said, this is a birthday fic for one of my favorite people on the entire planet. Rach, you're the best mama goat in the entire world and I think we both know I would not have survived the last seven years without you. I am so grateful for you. Kick thirty in the ass.**

 **Disclaimer: Not mine. Not yours. Herein lies the property of Chris Carter and 1013 productions.**

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"My mother is dating Skinner," Dana Scully exhaled into her cellphone while she leaned against the counter in her mother's guest bathroom. She felt a little like her seventeen year old self as she cranked open the window and contemplated making a run for it, wishing like hell a cigarette was lit and dangling rebelliously between her finger tips. Letting out a long sigh, she ran a hand through her hair. "They're sitting down there at the dinner table making eyes at each other and he's holding her hand and complimenting her left and right and she called him _Walter_."

"What a lovely birthday present for you," her best friend told her with an honest to god laugh across the line. "Happy birthday Dana; your mother is bangin' your former boss."

"Monica," she growled while wishing she could reach through her cellphone and strangle the raven haired woman all the way in Montana. "They are not bangin'... God, they better not be. Is my mother up on safe-sex practices? I cannot be the one to have that conversation with her."

"So get Bill or Charlie to do it."

"Do you want Skinner to die?!"

Monica laughed heartily. "Truthfully, Dana, what is bothering you about this – your mother moving on from your father's death finally, your mother moving on with your former boss, or your mother moving on with someone you kissed? Does Maggie even know about that? Can I be the one to tell her?"

"I hate you."

"No you don't," she countered. "Where is Mulder? I thought he was supposed to be with you at this shindig."

"Mulder is down there having the time of his freaking life," Scully explained. "He thinks this whole situation is wonderful – he asked Skinner if he could be his best man when they get married. Oh hell, Monica, my mother cannot marry Skinner."

"Because you kissed him that one time in the elevator."

"I am never telling you anything ever again," the redhead growled. "It has nothing to do about that one time I was extremely happy that Skinner helped me save the man who wants him to marry my mother."

"Okay, take a breath," Monica instructed her. "Where are you, by the way? Hiding in the closet? Your mother is going to come looking for you soon. Or your new step-dad."

"I will come to Montana just to shoot you," she fired back. "And I'm in the bathroom, by the way. Contemplating jumping out the window and making a run for it."

"Classier than hiding in the closet, I suppose."

"What am I going to do?"

Monica chuckled once again but this time quieter and more reserved than before. "You, Dana Katherine Scully, are going to pull up your big girl panties and go back to your birthday dinner. You're going to congratulate your mother and Skinner on their relationship and maybe kick Mulder under the table if he asks them about marriage again because you are fifty-one not fifteen anymore."

"Talking about my age right now is not helping anything, Monica," she told her with a sigh. "I wish you were here; why do you have to live all the way on the other side of the damn country?"

"To make your life harder, obviously," she responded. "Skinner has me and John coming out next week for some teaching gig at Quantico so we'll get together then and have a belated birthday celebration. We'll get so trashed on expensive wine that you won't remember that your mother is dating your former boss that you kissed that one time."

"Monica!"

"I love you! Happy birthday and enjoy your double date with Mulder and the parents."

"Monica do not hang up on me!"

"I've got to go, Dana. Your goddaughter needs my attention."

"You suck," was the last thing the redhead managed to squeak in before the line clicked and she let out a frustrated growl.

"Dana?" Her mother's voice came from the other side of the door. "Dana? Are you okay, sweetheart? You have been in there a long time."

"Just a second, mom," she responded as she pushed away from the counter and tucked her phone back into her pocket.

She was just about to twist the door knob when her mother's voice filtered through once more. "Oh, and Dana? Don't think about jumping out that bathroom window. A woman of your age would probably break her ankle far worse than you did when you were seventeen."

Leaning forward she banged her head against the bathroom door and let out a long breath. "I'll be right down, mother, and I promise not to take the window as my route back to the dining room."

"Alright then," her mother agreed. "Be quick then. Walter and I have a present for you."

"Happy freaking birthday to me."


End file.
